I couldn't let THAT be the only comment on this powerful essay. Rather than engage with it, let me just say that I *see* you and know that you are being asked to do too much. Not only must you grieve and process the trauma of anti-Black violence, but other people are asking you to help them process their feelings/reactions to it.
They want to "turn in" their guilt/anxiety and walk away more carefree. They aren't coming to you to help you shoulder some of the pain--they're adding to your pain and your burdens.
I am sorry that this keeps happening--not just the cycle but also the traumatic violence that precipitates this whole cycle.