OMG, I couldn't laugh while reading this until the last line because I relate to this way too much! I threw my back out from sneezing while walking. Clearly, it was not the same level of pain as you, but I did scream in pain and lay nearly paralyzed until my husband carried me to the car and drove me to the hospital.

I hope you never lie on a flat surface (while on your side) again! And yes, please fart away in front of your girlfriend. That's true love (although she may still reserve the right to tease you mercilessly if the farts are truly stinky!).